Sovetinalja töömeestest ja juutidest

Inglise veebileht TimesOnLine lasi hiljuti lugejail valida parimaid anekdoote sovetiaja kohta ja esikohale tuli selline anekdoot:

Trellide taga arutab kolm töömeest, mille eest keegi istub.
Esimene : “Hilinesin tööle 10 minti ja sain kaela sabotaaži- süüdistuse.”
Teine: “Ma olin tööl alati 10 minutit varem, sestap pandi istuma spionaaži eest.”
Kolmas ütleb: “Jõudsin iga kord tööle täpselt õigeks ajaks ja nii jäin süüdi selles, et mul on välismaa kell.”

Naljavõistluse veebikülg on siin ja kümme paremat siin. Võiduanekdoot kõlas inglise keeles nii:

Three workers find themselves locked up and they ask each other what they’re in for.

The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

Üheksandale kohale tuli anekdoot viinajärjekorra kohta talvises Moskvas, kust muulasi rahvuste kaupa välja praagiti, kuni kõige viimasena kohale jäänud venelased lõpuks samuti viinata jäid. Vene tõlkes (vt Москва, 1970-е годы. Суровая зима...) on viin parandatud lihaks.

It was 6.00 am on a cold winter's day in Moscow, too many degrees below zero and with an overcast sky threatening snow.

A long, bedraggled but orderly queue had formed overnight between the snowdrifts outside one of dilapidated outlets of the official Soyuz Stolichnaya vodka distributor.

At 10.00 am, an hour after its official opening time, a little hatch in the paint-peeled door opened up and a Soviet commissar announced "The workers of the Stolichnaya Vodka Co-Operative are presently stranded in the snow and the delivery will be late. Our heroes will prevail against the anti-Soviet weather - but the vodka must rationed. There will be no vodka sold to the loyal Jewish citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics today!"

Obediently the Jewish citizens of the USSR left the queue and the little hatch in the door closed.

At 11.30 am, the little hatch opened up again, and the commissar announced, "The anti-Soviet weather has been vanquished, but the heroes of Soviet labor have now to repair the engineering of the delivery van which has been damaged by anti-Soviet saboteurs. There will be no vodka sold to the citizens of the Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic today!" And so the citizens of Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic duly left the line.

The weather grew even colder and it started to snow...

At regular intervals throughout the day, the little hatch would open and the commissar would announce the latest incident to have held up the delivery of the vodka, each time announcing that certain loyal citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics had to leave the queue.

By 5.00 pm, citizens of the Armenian SSR, Azerbaijan SSR, Belorussian SSR, Estonian SSR, Georgian SSR, Kazakh SSR, Kirghiz SSR, Latvian SSR, Lithuanian SSR, Tajikistan SSR and Turkmenistan SSR had all left the queue as instructed and the only people left waiting were the ethnic Russians of the Russian SFSR.

At 5.30 pm, just before official closing time, once again the little hatch in the door opened and the commissar's head popped out to announce that reactionaries working along the Soviet benzine pipeline had prevented the duly repaired delivery van from filling its tank and thus reaching its destination. As a result, there would be no vodka sold that day, even to loyal citizens of the Russian SSFR.

Freezing cold, covered in snow, hungry and tired, one Russian turned to the person behind him in the queue and said in a whisper, "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

Vene keeles vahendasid anekdoodivõistluse kümmet paremat InoSMI.Ru ja Interfax, võidulugu kõlab nii:

Трое рабочих попадают в тюрьму и спрашивают друг друга, за что. Первый: “Я всегда опаздывал на работу на десять минут, поэтому меня обвинили в саботаже.” Второй: “Я всегда приходил на работу на десять минут раньше, поэтому меня обвинили в шпионаже.” Третий: “Я всегда приходил на работу вовремя, поэтому меня обвинили в том, что у меня иностранные часы.”

Kümnendale kohale valiti lugu juudist, kellelt gebist küsis, miks ta õpib ivriiti. — Et paradiisis esiisade Aabrami ja Moosesega rääkida. — Aga kui hoopis põrgu satud? — Vene keelt oskan juba niigi. Saatja: Larry Rasczak

Офицер КГБ выходит в парк и видит там старого еврея с книгой.

Кагебешник: “Что читаешь, старик?” — Старик: “Учу иврит по самоучителю.” — “Зачем тебе иврит? Израильской визы нужно ждать годами. Ты ж умрешь, пока будут оформляться документы.” — “Я учу иврит для того, чтобы, когда я умру и попаду в рай, я мог поговорить с Авраамом и Моисеем. В раю говорят на иврите.” — “А если попадешь в ад?” спрашивает кагебешник. — “А русский я уже знаю!” отвечает старик.